I got into a friendly debate about sexual compatibility today.
It was refreshing to speak at length to a person who a) wasn’t intimidated by my long responses and inquisitive nature and b) wasn’t annoyed by my long responses and inquisitive nature. It was also inspiring to be able to speak about something like this to a complete stranger and not have it turn into an argument. This re-iterates my thoughts about no topic being off-limits where respect lives.
Anyway, the conversation started with the lady posting about a friend of hers on a popular group for lesbians over the age of 30 of which I’m part of. The friend was having issues with her butch partner who did not want to be vaginally penetrated during sex. She was at her wits end on solutions for how to solve this because she was eager to do it however her partner wasn’t.
At first, people were shy to comment (although they left comments saying that they were not going to comment). Go figure. Then advice came rushing in and majority of the advisers wanted to know whether her friend had spoken to her honey about her distress. Whether she had let her butch know that she really wanted to get inside her because she felt pleasure in doing this to her also. The friend who was asking for her responded that they hadn’t because she didn’t know how to broach the subject but she had also advised her friend about discussing it with her butch, so some kind of consensus could be reached. This is when she argued that because of conflicts similar to this, people needed to be sexually compatible for the relationship to work.
Now I don’t know about you but, it has been rare in my life where a person has come along and ticked all of my boxes whilst swinging me from a chandelier. One way or the other, I’ve had to make suggestions or quietly guide them to what I like and what leaves me drooling. I don’t believe in the ready-made lover who jumps into bed with you and is able to read you right off the bat. So to dwell on compatibility is pointless because you’re going to have to unlearn what you’ve learnt with your previous partner anyway.
She felt that things should never be forced. It shouldn’t be a compromise and/or uncomfortable in the bedroom. And felt that like people were more successful and sexually fulfilled than those who didn’t like the same things. Her experience as a fetishist had taught her that finding someone who was already so inclined broke down the compatibility barrier because they were already doing it and were therefore comfortable in that way. The anti-thesis of opposites attract if you will.
I have a hard time believing that people should stay in their lanes in the bedroom. I don’t see why a set of rules should exist in a place where routine creates deathbed syndrome. I am continually evolving as a person and yes, that means sexually too. Learning and unlearning are the building bricks of evolution and staying in my lane would have me wishing I could build a bridge on it, then jump. Sex should be creative. It should be expressive. It should be uncomfortable in pleasurable ways. And part of that is being able to compromise and saying yes to something you’d usually say no to because you’re raising the bar and adding to your experience. Trying something new should not only be reserved for those times when you think you’re going to enjoy it. E.L James wrote about a young woman experiencing BDSM for the first time. There were times she liked it, and times she didn’t. I’m pretty sure panties around the world were wet both times. That book sold millions of copies because many of us were experiencing BDSM for the first time too, through Anastasia. Now it’s no longer a question of whether you’d do it or not as it is IF you’d like it when you do.
I’ve heard it be told that femme’s are evolving. I should hope so! I love that I live in the era where bizarre in the bedroom equals ignorance. Gone are the days where dominance in the bedroom was reserved for butches and where femme women were the only receivers.
Do you have set roles in the bedroom? I’d love to hear how having set roles or lack of influences your sexual compatibility. Do you believe in sexual compatibility?