Open Doors

India Aries song SoulBird Rise begins and ends with the words: I believe in open doors.

It’s taken me a year of having that album and listening to it often to understand what those words truly mean. I’ve always considered myself a person who has an open door policy and yet open doors and the open door policy are not the same thing. A policy is a statement of intent which is implemented by procedure or protocol. That’s just fancy for saying you’re going to do something and then drawing out steps to help you do what you said you would. So in relation to the open door policy, in my head I have a little scenario of gathering everyone up (or in the 21st century, sending an email 😉 ) and telling them very sincerely that I am here whenever they should need me, for anything, and then literally leaving the door of my office, house, igloo open. The open door policy for me speaks to communication and mutualism. Its beneficial to both parties on a superficial level. What do you need? I can cater to that need. By the way this is what I need from you type of situation.

But what of self?

It’s this last bit that I have been struggling with a lot. I am by nature a very possessive person. I am possessive with myself as well as with those I love. I struggled with sharing so much so that it depleted my friendship with a woman I adored for 7 years (although this was not the only reason for the end of our bond). Having worked on my ability to let my loved ones have freedom, my remaining struggle has been the possession I have over myself. I’m that type that literally disappears. I have made my life so private that I can pull away from existence and go missing for months on end. This is a problem when you are a promising singer with people who are actually interested in your career. It’s sad now looking at my disappearing acts (mostly caused by pain) and seeing how I used to pride myself with how I could disappear and how nobody would know where I was. It’s sad because it says that I am unreliable. As a friend, as an artist, as a person.

I don’t want to be that person anymore and so I’ve promised myself to stop the foolery and to start letting go of the reigns. My dream open doors are the kind that let you in and out, freely, just like India sings about. I’m beginning to understand that open doors are less about me and more about the relationship itself. It’s about the interaction and the giving of self and also the freedom of letting someone come in and go out. On their terms. Being possessive has no place in open doors.

On Tuesday I opened up my world and 61 people jumped in in a matter of minutes. These wonderful people are interested in watching me grow and maybe even growing with me. I am so humbled. I’m dealing with the highs and lows of letting people close and also reeling from the possibility that they may find me extremely boring and unlike my page. I don’t know what to share and what should still be private…I went from 0 to hotpink in a glittering jiffy and its all slightly overwhelming still BUT I’m going to trust the process.

Open doors are not about what I need. They are about what I can give. Regardless of who’s coming in. The ebb and flow of persons coming in and out is natural and doesn’t affect me and my sense of self because I’m coming to realise; its not about me.

I believe in open doors.

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