I don’t know how to be broke

I started fending for myself from the age of 18. Some other ways were dodgy, yes, but I had to eat and so I did them.

I always was independent and so I went out on my own – with friends – and we raised ourselves out there. I wouldn’t give any second of it up. Good or bad. See I’ve never been one to rely on family. My family is quick to judge and slow to help so I end up getting disheartened and then disappearing again. When I appear again its usually because I’m down and need to reconfigure then leave again. This has been my pattern since age 18.

I can’t ask for money. Mostly because the few times I have, I’ve been snubbed, and so now my ego gets in the way. Truthfully, my friends were my family. We ate together, we starved together.

At 23 I got my first job, and by 25 I had purchased my 1st car. Then recession hit and I have been battling ever since to stand on my own two again.

Its 5 years later and I find myself unemployed again, for the umpteenth time. Emotionally I am spent. I have a car that I can’t maintain. Because of my lack of employment its in arrears. I worry come end of the month how I’ll pay the installment. And as soon as I’ve sorted that out, I start getting jitters about next month.

I can’t ask people for money. And because of this, I seem to attract people who make empty promises 😦

To think that I am so generous *sob*.

I am ready to learn whatever lesson that is hindering my growth and keeps bringing me out here.

No more dead end jobs
No more having to struggle financially
No more having to be someone’s burden

I’d like my independence back please!

H

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