Its the second month of the year and already I can tell what the current lesson I’m learning is. This is a big one for me because I am extremely independent.
I don’t trust human beings to consistently be there for you. They disappoint. Experience has taught me that. And yes, it stems from a childhood of rape, daddy issues, best friend separation anxiety yada yada yada, trust – its all there (see what I did just then? 😉 ).
A lot of people I tried to hang on to let me down and/or left. And I know that its inevitable at some point, but everyone? Really?
I grew up misunderstood. I put up a front and a 10 meter wall around me which could only let 1 person in at a time. And when that person was in, they became my everything. You can see why this became a problem right? That lesson came bright and early and literally changed me for the better. I grew to adore myself and being part of the Oprah Show generation benefited me immensely. I said no to boys treating me like shit (I was doing boys heavily then) and yes to anything affirming that I was a Diamond. My ambitions sky rocketed and I worked super hard. My faith in people also grew and I let more people in and by then I’d become enlightened so unconditional love to strangers was extremely common.
I accepted everyone as they were and loved the human race intensely…and then life set in.
You can only fend off evil forces for so long as a pure heart until they get to you somehow and taint you. All they need is a pin pricks worth of contact with you. And while the getting to you maybe difficult, the spreading through you isn’t. It happens at lightening speed. And so the dark seed is planted.
Family, Relationship and Livelihood.
Ask any adult what the 3 most important areas in their lives are and you’ll get the above in some way, shape or form. And anytime someone is going through err..hell, then I’ll bet you my last unicorn that one or more of these areas are spiraling downwards. Its small wonder then that these three areas would be the 1st to get maimed by life. You lose your soulmate, you miscarry and/or lose your job. Sound familiar?
I’ve gone through all 3 at different times. I’ve been through all 3 at the same time.
I don’t know about you but being hurt like that makes me draw into myself and cut myself from everything and everyone. I cocoon up and hibernate. The most activity that happens then is thinking. I’m thinking so fast if you put ur ear up to my head you can hear my brain buzzing. On the outside I’m as slow as a sloth.
In all the times that this has happened to me, I’ve been alone. And its was like coming close to death and then having to recover from being maimed by a saber toothed tiger.
But I’m not alone for the very 1st time in my life. I have a partner who often tells me ride or die. Family and friends I can reach out to. And I’m finding it all a bit much. I know right??? L 😦 L
I don’t know how to take support, but I’m a wizz at giving it. Its all quite new and daunting to finally have people around you who say ” We love you no matter what” and a partner who says “I’ll take care of you until you’re able to again”. WTF do I do with alla that?
Its my lesson and I will learn it.