I’ve forgotten how to dream BIG.
When I was younger, I dreamt about being this game-changing songstress. I dreamt about broadway..about owning my own yacht and sailing around the Aegan Sea. I dreamt about being in parliament, running the country. I dreamt about being a child psychiatrist. I dreamt about meeting Diane Warren and comparing notes. I dreamt about owning properties in the south of France, in Spain and in London. I dreamt about being a wonderful mom to 4 boys and being an amazing wife. I dreamt about writing about my crazy life experiences at my country house underneath a tall, fluffy willow tree drinking iced tea I’d made myself.
I’d dreamt all of this and believed it would happen. And my faith was unshakeable. God had put these ambitions in me and it was a promise between me and him that if I did my utmost best and trusted him to do the rest that they would come true. That if I became a model human-being and practised unconditional love to everyone I crossed paths with then I’d be rewarded with these successes. I was so ready to be Gods project of “Dreams coming true”. I was so willing to let him use me to inspire others to hold on to their faith. I was willing to go through the hardships and pain and disappointment and anger because I understood very well that to be seen as an overcomer, you actually need to overcome things. And overcome I did. I learnt my lessons and changed, sometimes reluctantly, in order to move on to the next level. I was a pillar of strength for so many people at various junctures in their lives. I helped others with joy. I got lent on and sometimes trampled on. All the while seeing the bigger picture. All the time “paying my dues”.
Its pointless to name my hardships. I don’t want it to turn into a comparison contest. I’m 30, and I feel like I’ve lived many lives.
I don’t feel like the world owes me something. I feel like I’ve earnt it. I’m not suffering from entitlement. I deserve it because I’ve put in the hard work.
Its too painful to dream right now. I don’t have the strength.